The past month...no, the past few months really, have been pretty pivotal for me in terms of thinking about where I want to be long-term. Over the course of such, I've had to deal with major renovations at old living quarters, disputes with the landlord, annoying next-door neighbors throwing night-round parties proving awkward for throwing away trash and furniture, unrealistic moving schedules, eye-opening realities of groups regarding perceptions of various problems in the world, family turmoil and trust issues, exploration and confrontation of sexuality, short-term health scares and pop-ups, tug-and-war of artistic sensibilities, financial emergencies, self-esteem issues and an overall tempered outlook on life as priorities take massive shifts. Perhaps I should have heeded horoscopes more often.
The point of this journal is just a communications platform given I'm not posting on Facebook at present or...anywhere else, really. But things are starting to look more optimistic for me and my family, and I'm ready to start sharing. That being said, I had to re-evaluate a lot of things including perhaps placing too much stock into online relationships (plutonic ones; I can't stand the thought of dealing with the hassles of online dating. Besides, I'm not in the mood to date anyway) and alter a lot of my values and morales, and become more honest with my true desires and pleasures. Essentially, I need to be more of myself as I truly am, and not conforming to ideals or labels others feel some ill-constructed reason to project upon me.
Art has not worked out the way I thought it would. One of the biggest reasons I kept at it was in the hope of finding relevant work where I stayed. Relocation out to, say, the West Coast or Florida, is out of the question. The money just isn't there, nor are the support systems (no family down that way, don't know many friends around those areas as well). Same regarding a move up to New York. Because of that I figured I could try online illustration work but my turnaround for completion was either too slow or by the time things were done I didn't feel the piece was good enough. Over time it just felt more like I was fighting to finish the work, never a good sign. Perhaps it was a case of subject matter, or maybe a case of materials, and feeling torn between traditional and digital, but at this point I think I'm confident in saying art, at least to the scale I had placed it before, is not going to be my major thing going forward. When the money is there, I'd love to buy some oils, professional watercolors and canvases, and embark on architectural and environmental studies, paintings creating a sense of mood. I think of the background illustrations from anime like Serial Experiments Lain, or Boogiepop Phantom, and then marrying that with all these rabid exotic creature and character ideas in my head, a good bulk of which I'll continue to do and upload in my spare time now since the relocation of furniture to the new spot is almost complete. That said,...yeah....for the moment I'm not so sure art is my main muse anymore.
Actually, I feel as though music has began to take its place. For a while now the two have always been kind of close to each other, but I figured I'd always keep music as a hobby and art as something I could pursue professionally. I started getting seriously inspired into music production, particular electronic music production, after watching a few documentaries of artist like LTJ Bukem and Goldie back a couple of years ago. Yeah I had dabbled with it before then, but this was when it got serious. I began looking for the right software (on a budget), hardware (also on a budget), and getting the information I could, but needless to say the first round of stuff was terrible. TERRIBLE.
Yet I've kept at it, and now I feel I've gotten to a point where my music production techniques, in just little over two years, have surpassed my technical art skills. Or perhaps I should say, my music production skills have managed to coalesce in a fashion regards matching my original visions that my art skills simply have not. That would change with the right gear, but it is what it is. Just over the past week or so, in the span of only a week, I got pre-masters and rough compositions done for three tracks. Three. And these aren't just simple beep-boop NES tunes (no knock on that, of course); I'm talking inspirations like Ed Rush and Optical, Decoder, Teebee, Goldie, Marcus Intalex, Photek, Bad Company, Dom and Roland....if you don't know who they are or what they do, go Youtube that shit, and see the mastery in the range of complete sonic frequency space they exhibit in everything they touch. THAT is my music inspiration (in large part, yeah), and THAT is what I aim to produce. And in one week I had three tracks I'd personally say roughly in that ballpark; lacking a good deal of the mastering and composition polish of course, but everything else is there. The EQs are right, the filtering is right. The presence is there. If I can work around some of my program's quirks I'll try mixing down rough cuts of what I've got for those who don't believe me (though in all honesty I'm not making anything to try to "prove" something to others so much as challenge and exceed my own limits). The fact remains; it's been YEARS since I had that same level of productivity with my art, and I think I understand the reason why.
So at least in terms of creative endeavors, that is my agenda for now and the foreseeable future. I'm putting my music first and art/stories a nice bit behind that, rather than the other way around, but when financial issues no longer prevent me from getting the gear I'd like/need to get (and tbf, a nice collection of paints, canvases and boards can run up to a few hundred dollars, audio equipment even more, especially given I want to do analog hardware for music production. Nothing beats analog hardware. Fucking *nothing*), they can both come into a sort of balance. No matter what the two will continue to fuel and inspire each other, that'll never change.
Had to get that off my chest; I don't know exactly when I'll upload again. All creative endeavors right now are sort of getting reduced time as I shift priorities to more "normal" routes of employment and financial stability, but I'm pretty good at multitasking and, more importantly, aren't feeling as absolutely shit and depressed as I have been since the start of the mess. Next journal, I want to talk about my sexuality. It isn't typical, and I'll probably lose some people as a result, but I'm going to take full ownership and pride of who I am as one's sexuality is not something they should be ashamed of or fear be the source of attack from others. It's a new day and I'm ready to discern how and why my sexuality is the way it is, and do so proudly.
Listening to: UK Garage, DnB, jazz and funk
Reading: Immortel, The Invisibles
Watching: Kino's Journey, Ergo Proxy, films
Playing: Game Dev Tycoon demo
Eating: food (within limits)
Drinking: water, juice, but mostly water